PLAYER STATUS REPORT AS OF 30/03/08

ANDREW WALKER : Still in therapy from playing 22 positions in 22 weeks under Denis Pagan.

JORDAN RUSSELL : Half of our fans think it's disrespectful to the great John Nicholls to allow Jordan Russell to meander around in the number 2 jumper. The other half think it's disrespectful to Dominic Fotia

MARC MURPHY : Highly talented youngster who is widely regarded as the worst decision maker in the game after turning down the chance to go to Brisbane under the father/son rule.

BRYCE GIBBS : Has been nicknamed Schapelle because he's counting the days until he's allowed to go home.

CHRIS JUDD : Judd is severely hampered by a long term groin injury. He has lost explosive pace, can't kick over 40 metres, is unable to turn freely and can only play 60% of game time. Still clearly the best player on the list.

KADE SIMPSON : Kade's like the average looking bird at a party that you chat up so you know you've got a guaranteed root in case you can't land something decent. Made captain till something better came along and then dropped like a Cain Ackland chest mark.

MATTHEW KREUZER : Was named as the player to lead the club out of the wilderness by our President Tricky Dicky, who the called him Matt Kruger in the same sentence. Don't know about the kid, but for god sake keep Pratt away from the players.

JASON SADDINGTON : Sydney capped off their unforgettable Premiership win in 2005 by off-loading Jason Saddington on the Blues.

RICHARD HADLEY : The Carlton version of Richard Hadley plays footy more like Richard Hadlee the New Zealand cricket hero than Richard Hadley the Brisbane Lions Premiership player. Should only be picked if the Blues win the toss and bowl first.

CAIN ACKLAND : The story goes that when Greg Swann was woken by a call in the middle of the night and told that one of his players had been videotaped urinating on a nightclub window, he knelt by the side of his bed and prayed it was Cain Ackland.

LUKE BLACKWELL : Selected by Carlton under the father/ordinary son rule. He's a smaller, weaker, less talented version of his father Wayne.

BRAD FISHER : Unshaven half forward flanker who could comfortably pass for one of the homeless. Broke his thumb in the pre-season after getting punched in the nose outside a soup kitchen.

SHAUN GRIGG : Loves to run with the footy. I suggest we buy him a Sherrin, drop him off on the Western Highway and hope he runs back home to Ballarat.

SETANTA O'hAILPIN : In four years the Irishman has failed to grasp even the most basic concepts of AFL football. During Round One this year he was asked to pay more attention to loose men, so after the game he went cruising for action down Commercial Road in Prahran.

AISAKE O'hAILPIN : Has learnt everything he knows about footy from his older brother. In other words he thinks the MCG can fly because it has two wings.

PAUL BOWER : Looks like ‘Curly' Austin from the 1970's, plays like ‘Curly' Howard from The Three Stooges

EDDIE BETTS : If that's the case he should have $100 on Carlton to win the spoon.

ADAM HARTLETT : The Blues new enforcer took out Cam Howat behind the play in Round One. He's currently suspended, but will be back to take out Ricky Petterd against the Dees in Round Four.

NICK STEVENS : Typical drover's dog who missed all of 2007 with a neck injury after spending all of 2006 looking over his shoulder for oncoming contact.

BRENDON FEVOLA : The Fevola File is now into it's 7th bound edition. Fev had a tumultuous pre-season but told the match committee he has learnt from his mistakes. He has promised to fire up against Collingwood by taking out Dick, then follow it up against the Eagles by pissing on Glass.

CAMERON CLOKE : Getting a ruckman that Collingwood rejects is like going to Calcutta to replace your chauffeur.

HEATH SCOTLAND : Heath is a favourite in footy Dreamteams. Unfortunately for Carlton they don't play their matches on some pimply nerd's laptop.

JARRAD WAITE : Waite could do with a little more weight and he doesn't have to look far. It's hanging over the top of Nick Stevens' shorts.

JORDAN BANNISTER : In 1954 Roger Bannister broke the four-minute mile. In 2008 Jordan Bannister is hoping to break the four-possession game.

BRET THORNTON : Tireless defender whose weekly misery is compounded by knowing that for 2 glorious days in October 2006, he was a Hawk.

RYAN HOULIHAN : The last of the four Houlihan sisters to play League football. Post-retirement he's destined to live in the same trailer park as the Whitnall brothers

SIMON WIGGINS : For the third year running the Blues forgot to delist Wiggins because he's so forgettable. Has played 89 games for the club and at the current rate will play his 100th in 2012.

DARREN PFEIFFER : Promising youngster who has to come to terms with the fact that Fev will never be able to spell his surname because it starts with a silent Pee.

ANDREW CARAZZO : Ball magnet with a kicking impediment. He only told the club this year that Carazzo is Italian for turnover.